I couldn't understand why my confession had been rejected, but I tried to accept it.
Kaian had told me that not liking me didn't mean the same as liking.
But I hadn't known that Kaian would treat me this way after rejecting my confession. He behaved as if he completely owned me, like a master with his possession.
The night I'd returned from the ball—without any time to ease the shock and pain of his rejection—I'd had to spend the night with him. I hadn't wanted to see Kaian that day, but as always, he didn't care how I felt.
I didn't know why, but Kaian had seemed more passionate than usual that night. How wonderful it would have been if his sincerity had matched the fervent touch of the man who desired me.
I would have preferred to cry. It seemed my feelings—unable to cry properly—weren't fully conveyed to Kaian. But I'd squandered all my life's worth of tears at a young age, so even when something like this happened, I couldn't cry.
"Kiss me."
When I didn't move willingly, Kaian simply stared at me. Even with a man whose facial expressions didn't change dramatically, I'd grown accustomed enough to tell what he was thinking from his eyes. There had been times when I'd been happy about that ability.
But I didn't want to know anything right now. His red eyes clearly spoke to me: *You like me anyway. You won't be able to refuse me.*
Unfortunately, it was true. Because I liked him, I wanted to do whatever he asked. I was in a position where I was happy just to be able to do that.
Even though my confession had been rejected, it didn't change anything. I cupped Kaian's face with both hands and kissed him. I touched his lips lightly, like a bird pecking at feed, and he let out a laugh as if he couldn't bear it.
"Do you think that's sufficient?"
"..."
Kaian savored my lips for a while. His hand slipped inside my loosely opened robe and caressed my slender waist over the thin nightgown as if tickling it.
"You need to recover quickly so we can do better things."
Even after kissing me to his heart's content, he said this, shocking me. Kaian was truly a terrible man.
He told me what he thought was the truth and completely ignored everything I said. I'd clearly conveyed my thoughts to him.
How was I supposed to interpret the way he treated me? *Please don't do this if I don't want it. I misunderstand when you act like this. I start hoping for things.*
However, the man who'd refused my confession remained exceedingly affectionate. There was no difference in his attitude before and after my confession, as if he'd never heard such words from me.
Sometimes I felt miserable when he acted this way—as if he found me amusing, as if he could somehow control me. It was true that nobles held higher status than commoners, but even for men, children and wives who hadn't yet reached adulthood were subordinate to the head of household.
When I'd married into Temnes, I'd prepared myself mentally for possible mistreatment. But I'd never dreamed that something like this would break my heart.
I tried to remain calm. *The more comfortable I become, the more I want.*
It seemed like only yesterday that I'd wished he wouldn't send me to a monastery or something, but objectively speaking, my current situation was good. No matter how much I tried to control my mind by capturing all my thoughts and repeating them like self-brainwashing—
*How can I get angry when I see Kaian?*
Yet I was still in love with that man, and I was dependent on him. So I became the weaker party.
Why should the one who liked more and liked first end up like this, as if they'd committed some crime? I felt sorry for myself and grew increasingly depressed.
"If I finish work early this afternoon, shall we go for a walk together?"
"You're busy. It's all right."
Kaian's eyebrows twitched.
"Go out and walk, even if just around the grounds. The doctor said if you move your body, your vitality will return faster."
*Look at this.* No matter what I said, he didn't even listen. That was because I'd had a crush on Kaian, and when I'd secretly admired him, there had been times when I'd been excited that he was taking care of me as he pleased—but now it was annoying.
"I'll send an attendant, so get ready."
"Yes."
What I could say was limited.
---
On the day of departure from the capital, I'd felt lonely watching Rowan Castle recede into the distance. Because I'd had this strange feeling that somehow I would never return.
Eventually my body had returned to Rowan Castle, but my injured heart was never the same. At that time, my premonition had been half correct.
I felt the day when I'd thought I loved him purely would never come again.
I walked slowly through the garden holding hands with Kaian.
"I told them not to let anyone in or out. Haven't you been taking walks these days?"
"The trip was exhausting."
I turned away. I had my own reasons for not wanting to walk in the garden, and I knew exactly why.
*"Can I kiss you?"*
The gardens of Rowan Castle were filled with memories for me. It was also the place where I'd become aware of my feelings—which I'd been dismissing as familial affection—asking myself if I might like him and have a crush on my husband.
It was the place where I'd seen Kaian's brightly smiling face for the first time, and the place where I'd fallen in love with that refreshing sound of laughter.
The place where I'd spent the most time with him was definitely the bedroom, but aside from the bedroom, it was certainly the garden. Here we'd drunk tea together and eaten together as if on a picnic. On sunny days, we'd sat under the shade of trees to rest and even kissed sweetly.
"You used to come several times a day."
That had been when my feelings for him had burst into bloom like flowers flourishing along the garden lake shore.
"You've become lazy. I'll have to come with you every day."
After my confession was rejected, my heart had been shaken as if the sky had fallen, and I'd had no desire to visit the gardens. Even when I did come, there were only faded memories that had become past tense.
I'd secretly practiced swimming in hopes of surprising him. *It's meaningless.*
I didn't think I could show him my swimming anymore. I'd thought that Kaian would smile, be surprised, and be happy if I told him I'd gotten this good because I'd learned from him.
After Kaian had told me he didn't like me, everything had turned negative. The fact that I'd been happy, encouraged by others, and celebrated their accomplishments—all of it had been due to my feelings for him. Otherwise, there was no need for me to exert such effort.
Having lost confidence, I didn't think he'd be happy if I showed him something like that.
When Kaian had dragged me out forcibly, the place had proven blameless. It was still full of corners I liked just looking at. But again, a sad feeling rose up.
The place that could have been my sanctuary for romance had already faded away. If Kaian had accepted my confession, I'd have been willing to grant his wish for once.
He'd always subtly requested that I kiss him—which I'd allowed, but never outside the bedroom. I'd wanted to do it under the tree by the lake where we'd had our first kiss.
"The garden is not to blame."
I said the words I'd been mulling over without realizing it.
"What do you mean?"
"No, nothing."
I released his hand and grabbed the hem of my dress. Then I strengthened my legs and walked faster.
"Walk slowly. You can't overdo it."
"I'm fine."
My legs were all right. The problem was my heart. I didn't want to walk side by side with him. I hoped this pretense of walking together would end quickly.
"Claudel!"
Kaian called out from behind, but I quickened my steps even further. However, he quickly caught up with me, walking toward me without any apparent effort.
"What are you doing? I told you not to overdo it."
"I hate you."
His eyes widened.
"I hate you so much."
I shook off his hand and ran. It was my first time running like this since I'd injured my leg.
"Ha... ha..."
Perhaps because my body had been weakened for some time, my breathing grew heavy. I wanted to hide somewhere—to a place where that man's eyes couldn't reach.
Unrequited love was basically something you could endure if you just suppressed the desire to make it requited. But now, every time I saw Kaian, I felt hurt.
A man who seemed to feel superior, who held the emotional upper hand while not accepting my heart—he was so disappointing.
The sun was shining and it was a lovely day. Bleached white cloth fluttered on a long clothesline hanging from the castle's back gate to the side of the road leading to the rear garden.
I went in among the sheets, feeling as if I were being chased. White cloth fluttered in the wind beneath the blue sky. I hoped that even a single layer of fabric—as fragile as I felt, as if I might blow away with a gust of wind—would hide me from his eyes for now.
I stopped in place as pain throbbed through my leg. Because my breathing was so labored, the sound of my heart beating grew louder as I held my breath to avoid making any noise.
*Thud. Thud. Thud.*
Every time the laundry fluttered, my heart also trembled as if it too were being hung out to dry.
"Claudel."
To my dismay, his voice came from a short distance away. In an instant, his hand reached out from between the white sheets and grabbed me, pulling me into his familiar embrace.
Through the scent of soap, the scent of his body penetrated and enveloped me.
"You need to understand something."
His voice was lower than usual.
"What do you think goes through my mind every time you turn your back on me?"
"What are you thinking—"
My question went unanswered. Instead of Kaian responding, he covered my mouth with his.
---