After this, Tilia Ambrose strangely began to appear more and more often in Ilex's field of vision.
Each time she either held a book in her hands, or read it, or looked at a notebook filled with notes in small handwriting.
Stupid. When Ilex saw her like this for the first time, he couldn't help but grin.
To fight so desperately, not seeing what awaits you ahead - how pathetic.
However, when this happened again and again, he felt strangely irritated.
Enough already. Studying instead of eating will not make anyone feel sorry for you.
And when enough time had passed for an entire season to change, his irritation grew into uncontrollable anger.
Why? Even he himself could not understand the rage that gripped him.
He always disliked stupid people. But in such cases, he simply ignored them with contempt - never before had he experienced such intense disappointment.
Even as he asked himself this question, he could not suppress the rage that gripped him as he lay on his bed and imagined the girl studying until late at night.
He wanted to scream.
No matter how much you study, your future will not change. They'll just sell you. To your father, you are nothing more than stolen goods waiting to be pawned.
So there is no point in working so hard.
It was only when he reached this last thought that Ilex realized the true reason for his anger.
She worked too hard, so furiously that it was alarming.
This disappointment, this irritation, was actually well-intentioned. It was kindness, an attempt to let her know that she didn't have to fight for something meaningless.
Yes, that's how it was.
Feeling that he had found the answer, Ilex jumped out of bed. Without dressing properly, he rushed towards the girls' dormitory.
He will scold her. He will shout at her. He will tear up books in front of her and tell her to stop.
He will bring her to tears and force her to give up.
But as he walked quickly forward, determined to do just that, Ilex suddenly realized that there was something lurking inside him.
Weak but undeniable anger.
It was a disgusting desire to see her give up, to see her live like him, resigned to her fate.
The vile desire to watch her give up everything and lifelessly wait for the future to come.
It was not kindness, but outright malice.
A disgusting anger that he thought he would never experience.
Even realizing it, Ilex ignored it and continued running towards the building where she was supposed to be.
Only when he was nearby did he realize that he had come here without thinking.
It was already midnight. She's probably asleep.
No, even if this were not so, he, a stranger to her, could not call her.
"…Idiot".
Realizing the impulsiveness of his actions, Ilex still could not bring himself to turn back and froze in place.
And then, as if by magic, she appeared before his eyes.
The academy's women's dormitory garden was filled with small round cypress trees interspersed with clusters of modest flowers.
At the foot of the stone staircase, where the blooming myrtles cast pink shadows, sat Tilia.
Summer night. Under the dim light of a street lamp, framed by twilight.
Tilia sat motionless on the steps, like a doll abandoned by a child after he had played with her enough and lost interest.
The moment he saw her, his legs froze as if roots had grown out of them.
Not too far, not too close. From such a distance, he couldn't help but notice.
She cried, shedding tears the size of her eyes.
In the dim light, the tears streaming down her cheeks flickered like fireflies floating alone in the darkness.
It seemed that these tears would form a lake under her feet, and she would drown in a stream of sadness.
As Ilex stood there, lost and confused, his fingers twitching like a fool, Tilia quickly wiped away her tears.
Raising her hand, she vigorously wiped her cheeks and wiped the moisture off her skirt. Then she pulled something out of her pocket.
It was only when she took off the wrapper and put a piece in her mouth that Ilex realized what it was.
Chocolate.
Swallowing a strange, quiet sigh, he saw her take something else out of her other pocket.
He already knew what it was.
Study book. A small notebook that Tilia Ambrose always carried with her, looking through it whenever she had a free moment.
He thought she had shed all her tears, but as she continued to read her memorization notes, new ones fell from time to time. However, she must have been worried that the tears would stain the notebook as she quickly wiped them away.
A light cool night breeze was blowing. Her secret studies lasted a long time.
Like a tree that doesn't know how to leave, Ilex remained where he was, silently watching her.
The air was filled with the scent of flowers. Until today, he had never thought that the light of a street lamp was beautiful, but now it shone like a spotlight on a stage, illuminating a girl who was all white, black and red.
The image of her chewing chocolate and reciting something determinedly was imprinted on his memory, as if he was going to carry it into the next life.
He thought he could look at her forever. He thought that even if he froze at this moment, he would not blame anyone.
He didn't even notice how time flew by.
Before he knew it, the chocolate she'd been giving herself bit by bit was gone, and she was flipping to the last page of her notes to memorize.
Convinced of this, Tilia stood up without hesitation. Her once tear-stained white cheeks were now dry, dried by the wind.
She dusted off her skirt and, without looking back, quickly walked to the dormitory.
But even after her disappearance, Ilex, being motionless, as if an object had simply been put in place, remained in the same place for a long time.
Only after what seemed like an eternity did he finally come to his senses, forcing his numb legs to move and turn around.
His gait was clumsy, like that of a hungry tramp. His heart beat like a stray dog who wanders the streets at noon without a drop of water.
Now I understand.
In the darkness of the approaching night, under the dim light of the street lamps, Ilex staggered like a deserter fleeing the battlefield, unable to deny it any longer.
I was jealous of Tilia Ambrose.
This determination to change your future. This vitality, the fight for survival against all odds. This brilliant hope that I did not possess...
It was unbearable. I envied her unspeakably.
He heard the sound of a white flag rising somewhere in the depths of his heart.
It was an unmistakable admission of defeat by a coward who lost without even fighting.
***
After Ilex secretly witnessed Tilia Ambrose practicing while in tears, all the anger and irritation that once filled his heart was swept away like a tidal wave.
They were replaced by something else - an aching, dull throbbing pain.
This severe, constant pain intensified every time he saw her, to the point that it forced him to look away.
But he couldn't look away for more than a minute.
Whenever Tilia appeared in front of him, Ilex briefly lowered his gaze, only sneaking glances at her from the corner of his eye, unable to help himself.
Now he could no longer claim that he was not particularly interested.
His blue-gray eyes were drawn to her like iron filings desperately clinging to a magnet.
Even when she was not there, his gaze still searched for her. More precisely, he moved so that she would definitely appear.
He looked for places where she could be, places where he could see her. As if enchanted, his legs themselves led him in her direction.
And in doing so, he naturally learned more about her.
This was not deliberate surveillance or covert testing. He simply recognized her as if it were inevitable.
First, in addition to attending lectures, Tilia Ambrose spent most of her free time in the library.
During exams, she even stopped her occasional walks around campus and lived exclusively in the library.
The dormitory, lecture hall and library were the three places where she was most often found. If he went into any of them, there was a high chance of seeing her.
And Tilia usually appeared in these places with a friend named Judy Wells.
Judy, her roommate, was a brown-haired woman with a rather indistinct appearance. However, it was clear that she loved Tilia very much.
Tilia, in turn, seemed to keep the Wells family's youngest daughter close to her. She casually took her hand, something she rarely did with others, whom she subtly avoided when they tried to make the gesture.
In addition, Tilia had a passion for sweets such as chocolate, pudding and ice cream.
Whenever Judy Wells bought such treats, Tilia hesitated, looking guilty, but always accepted them without refusal.
When she ate something sweet, her face brightened, blooming like the myrtle flowers he had seen that night.
It was a beautiful smile.
The kind that made his own lips curl in response, whether he wanted it to or not.
The smile was so sweet that he wanted to collect all the sweets in the world and lay it at her feet.