The deeper you delve into negative emotions, the more likely you are to be buried in them. I sat in the chair opposite Rue's to erase the painful residual images that still disturbed my mind.
"Thanks to you I was saved." Fortunately, my voice didn't shake. Rue, who looked at me, replied indifferently.
"The melted ice cream would have loved to hear that."
"Did you throw it in the trash?"
"I handed it to the Peace National Park manager. Both." The other voice I heard before fainting must have belonged to the manager then.
"Mr. Rue could have eaten it."
"It would have been good, but I had to move a certain person home." That was very condescending. But I only nodded calmly, as I had nothing to say.
Rue closed the book and threw it on the table before making eye contact with me, with a smile. "I'm sure I told you to sit on a bench and wait silently, don't you think so too?"
The smile grimly drawn in the dark was creepier than I could imagine. The smile was completely fused with the unique, dark and beautiful aura that accompanied Rue's features, and it seemed as if he would grab a tool out of nowhere in an instant and hit me in the back of the head, saying, "I don't need a dog that doesn't listen!" So I answered more modestly. "I owe you one."
"There are many people who owe me something. There are few who pay me back."
"Don't worry, I won't take advantage."
"I have to hope you worry about that." What an inflexible guy. Should I say thank you for not leaving me at the side of the road? Eh?
"I thought maybe you'd need someone to watch you while you were down, so I brought you to my house. Go back home yourself at the right time."
"Have you been in this room all this time because of me?"
"Not me, my servants." From the beginning... The line drawn by Rue's lips became thicker. "Yes, the trash that our lovely Miss Daisy has thrown at me to handle."
I pretended not to hear him. "The maid doesn't know what happened today, so don't slip up in front of her." I couldn't pretend not to hear this time.
"What lie did you tell her?"
"Miss Daisy wanted to reflect on what happened the other day when trying to bury a person, that's why she's taking special education classes."
"Mr. Rue... hearing you talk makes my gratitude decrease and my anger increase." Shrugging with a look, he took the book again. While I waited for him to say anything else, he went back to reading silently. This was an unexpected attitude.
I thought you would ask me about my past. So as soon as I understood the situation I was in, I set out to answer that I served briefly as an infantry soldier. But Rue didn't seem very interested in it. Or are you being considerate of me? A kind-hearted Rue who cares about others. He really didn't suit it. Let's assume he just wasn't interested. There was only one thing that interested him: seven mysterious treasures of the continent for children. I stared silently at the cover of the book Rue was busy reading.
Perhaps Rue was looking for Dian Cecht's relics. It was none of my business what he wanted to use them for. The important thing was that Rue had the ability to distinguish Dian Cecht's relics, and that he had already discovered the hidden relic in the Weatherwoods mansion.
"Mr. Rue came to the Weatherwoods mansion looking for Dian Cecht's relic, didn't he?" He made no comment either way. "Are you going to steal it?"
A cold line was drawn around Rue's mouth. "I think I told you I'd let you know when you finished blooming the flowers. Are you going to ignore my words and bother me about it anyway?"
Was it because of the atmosphere of this particular night, or was it because Rue had helped me again this time? For some reason, I expressed my honest feelings. "I'm curious." I was half worried that this interest would get in the way of my plans. The other half questioned the character himself, Rue. He raised his head again. Unlike before, he seemed a bit serious.
"I'll tell you just in case. Don't fall in love with me. Don't fall in love. You would only get hurt."
"When are you going to stop saying that crazy thing?" Rue laughed softly. It was a much warmer smile than before.
"I also have a question. Do things like today's happen often?" My lips closed automatically. I didn't know the conversation would take this turn. Is it... frequent? It was a hard question to answer with "yes" or "no." It had been four years since the war ended for the world, but it had only been two months since I opened my eyes. Therefore, the hallucinations I experienced today could be one that I might experience once every two months, once a year, two years, or the first and last one I experience.
"This is the first time."
"What about nightmares?"
"I also had that for the first time recently."
"Have you recently gone through an incident that was painful enough to provoke hallucinations and nightmares?"
"Well..."
"Or, on the contrary, was there some pleasant incident that made you forget for a moment your nightmares and hallucinations?"
"Right."
"You really don't know how to answer anything correctly."
"I don't know if that happened exactly."
"Initiative in life begins with knowing oneself. Remember what has happened to you lately and how it has affected you. A life without worries. A life without any perception. From the outside it seems comfortable and happy, but in reality it's equivalent to throwing the soul in the garbage. A soul that is neither empty nor full is no different from what does not exist."
The flat voice caused a not-so-low wave to rise in my heart. Initiative in life begins with knowing oneself. The words were especially difficult for me, who always tried so hard to learn. It was the same when I learned to use the sword for the first time. I didn't have a proper fencing teacher. I took up arms only because of my determination to punish my brother's enemies, the Great Mage Mephisto and the demon legion. I sharpened my sword to cut flesh and blood.
"Immerse yourself first in the most essential elements. If you do that, there is nothing you cannot achieve." Fortunately, there were numerous heroes on the battlefield and the advice they left me was consistent. Without needing to learn, I crossed the barrier only with that fact.
Therefore, knowing the essence is what I have most confidence in. So let's start by delving into the essence. Initiative in life begins with knowing oneself. Knowing myself. Who am I? My name is Daisy Fager. I was once a man named Andert Fager, and much earlier, a woman named Fager. But can I say I know my existence just by knowing my name? "Daisy." A very common name in the empire.
In the first place, I had chosen this name because I didn't want to attribute any special meaning to it. In fact, when you named something, it was likely to contain meaning and affection. Affection made me feel responsible for my existence. But even with this false and insincere name, I was fine for over a month. No nightmares, no hallucinations. So why did that happen? What instigated that in me? It wasn't that hard to find an answer.
I was becoming happy being a maid. I enjoyed cleaning the mansion. I enjoyed my days without being full of killing demons. I enjoyed becoming a member of society, meeting people, doing errands. I liked it when my work was recognized when I finished washing the curtains and sweeping the floor. And, above all, what entertained me the most was living as Daisy, not as Andert.
But that peace was short-lived. Ten days after settling into the Weatherwoods mansion, I had a nightmare. In the nightmare, the dead soldiers clung to me and denied that my name was Andert. In just 10 days, an incident occurred that caused a shock to my peace. The cause was probably... I think it was because I swung my fists in the pub. No, it was clear. Every time I used violence, hot blood pumped through my body. The reason I opened my mouth for the first time in a while was solely because of the release that dominated my head at that moment. I felt intact when I weighed on the existence I defined as evil. I felt that the time I spent for fourteen years was not denied.
Only now did I realize; I was a terribly deceptive person. Although I hoped to live as Daisy, not as Andert, I longed for recognition from the past I had lived as Andert. I couldn't just be a humble maid. The second wave was a bit harder. This time it wasn't just a nightmare, but hallucinations. The cause is certain. The national peace cemetery. The moment I saw a nameless cemetery there. A wave of regret washed over me.
The faces of comrades whose names I didn't hear came to mind. The names I didn't ask because I was afraid of remembering them after losing them, and the faces I had forgotten because I didn't know their names blossomed one after another in my head. Why didn't I ask their names? If I had asked their names, wouldn't those tombstones be filled with the names of the people they belonged to? Today, after fourteen years, I felt a terrible regret. The guilt led me to have nightmares and accompanied me through hallucinations. So...
Suddenly, I remembered a small petal blooming in that pot. I remembered the moment when I wandered the market looking for the cotyledon.