Circumstances of graph (2)
“Come to think of it, I don’t know that much about you.”
- I have nothing to tell you.
“You used to talk about everything.”
– I have a bad memory, so I don’t remember much about my childhood.
The empty plate clinked, the sound filling the space between us.
“Your little sister must really miss you.”
-...
The spinning plate stopped with a crash. There was silence for a moment. I couldn't bring myself to move my hand. Crumbs from the cake scattered, staining the table. Now it was stained, just like my heart.
- No. She's not bored.
- Why?
- Because my sister went to a better place, and since then we have not lived together.
I looked at the sky outside the window. It was beautiful, clear and clean. All my brothers and sisters are up there. They are all there, happy, free from the hell that our father created, this devil's spawn.
They look down at me with resentment.
“She must have gotten married and gone to a good place.”
Based on my words, one could draw such a conclusion, so I did not correct him.
- Yes, to a good place.
– What about your other brothers and sisters?
- And they too. All except the third one, because my father thinks she's beautiful.
Too pretty, that's the problem. I thought about the house in Filton. I haven't spoken to her since I left. And she didn’t even visit. I wondered how they lived there without me. But after thinking about it, I quickly discarded the thought. It was unnecessary worry.
- And your mother?
- She's not here.
Whether she lived or died didn't matter. Having it is the same as not having it at all. After this answer, I no longer wanted to bring up the topic of family. If he had asked anything else, I would have packed up and left, but he didn’t ask anymore and stared out the window again.
– Well, you don’t have to miss someone.
The words sounded so casual, as if it was familiar to him. I felt pain in my heart. Enough is enough, don't make me feel bad anymore. I wanted to scream.
-What about you, sir? Do you miss someone?
My heart ached. Although I knew his parents died in a tragic accident, so I shouldn't have asked. I expected him to be upset, but his answer surprised me.
- No.
- Why?
- Because there is no need for it. I'll see everyone I've lost when I die. Grief should be short-lived. I don't want to regret. It's better to let go than to get lost in the feeling and lose sight of the future. There's no point in being bored.
-...
The words were so cold, but I understood him. Because I went through similar things myself.
The death of my brothers and sisters. I was overwhelmed with grief, sadness, regret and guilt. But I couldn't allow myself to wallow in these feelings. I needed to get through the next day, and these feelings were just getting in my way. The value of my life was determined by whether it was useful or not. And because of the torment, I became useless, so I decided to erase them from my life and forget everything. This was the price of my survival.
“I wonder if his life was the same?”
Suddenly there was a feeling of something familiar.
“I told you that this is no place for idle dreams.”
"This is no place for idle dreams." Yes, he really said that, and then I thought that he was just making cutting remarks out of dissatisfaction, but, looking back, I understand that he said this based on his experience.
– But don’t you have at least one dream, even if it’s in vain, that you would like to fulfill? – I asked.
What could a person so cold in his feelings want? He seemed to consider my question for a moment and then spat out a prepared answer.
- See again.
This answer piqued my curiosity.
-What about you? Do you have such a vain dream?
“I’m going to live a long time, and I’d like to have fewer problems.” But I will still take on everything that comes to hand, and I will not dream in vain.
“Well, I guess you'll have to stay here.” Then at least you won't have to suffer on the street.
-Will you let me stay for a long time?
He sounded so uncharacteristically pompous that I joked back. When I first came here, he shouted at me to get out and threw things at me, but now he says such strange things. I was even impressed.
- I give you permission.
-Are you sure? Will you take back your words later?
- I won’t take it. Stay long.
He sipped his tea again. I wondered if I should record this as a historical event.
- I will protect you.
The cup of tea clinked quietly. A breeze blew and my braid fluttered, trying to escape from his hand. He twirled a strand of hair around his index finger, lifting it slightly, and pressed his lips to it.
“Like I was kissing her.”
“You are mine, and I will protect you.”
-...
- I promise.
His emerald eyes narrowed. A strand of hair slipped from his outstretched arm, leaving behind a loose hairband. Under the gust of wind, my almost uncollected hair hit my face and neck. My gaze never left Vincent.
My heart was pounding loudly in my chest. The unfamiliar sensation took me by surprise so much that I clenched my fingers until it hurt.
- Stay with me for a long time.
His voice was firm and he captured me. The little ribbon on my hair, with the warmth left on it from his hands, seemed to burn me. The man sitting right in front of me caught my eye.
- You are silent. Am I really that untrustworthy?
- No, no, no.
“You deny it three times, which means you really don’t trust me.”
- Not at all.
- Four times. Now I'm definitely sure.
-...
- Try to trust me. Because I believe you.
I opened my mouth and immediately closed it. When I tried again, I didn't say anything. My chest sank when I met the emotions in those beautiful eyes with an elegant cut. Something inside them continued to flicker.
“Since I lost my sight, my other senses have become more heightened, so when communicating with people, I feel and guess things like breathing, voice trembling, gestures, hand signals, noises and smells. It's like I'm playing a guessing game blindfolded every moment, and right now I'm guessing you.
The tips of his fingers reached towards me. I narrowed my eyes.
– When you are embarrassed, you are speechless. Perhaps you are now standing with your mouth open in surprise.
-...You are mistaken, not at all.
I closed my mouth, shaking my head, even though I knew he couldn't see it. He laughed lightly at my answer.
- Is it true? Then I'm curious. I wish I could see you right now because then I would know exactly what you're thinking.
- I think you would regret it.
- Because you are very beautiful?
- So much so that I will blind you.
He snorted. He didn't stop smiling while he said it. It's nice to see his smile, it's beautiful. Now that he was eating regularly and gaining weight, he no longer looked pathetic.
Vincent is definitely changing.
This made me proud and sad at the same time. I must remain the same, but he must change. Every time I see him change, I become aware of our relationship again. Therefore, I didn’t even think about the unfamiliar feelings that arose in my heart.
I knew instinctively.
I instinctively knew that I shouldn't feel anything.
* * *
It was already after noon when Isabella entered the outbuilding, took me by the hand with a very insistent look and hurriedly led me to her room.
“Paula, you must leave here immediately with your master.”
- What?
- Hurry up and get ready now. I will speak to my lord separately.
With these words, she handed me the coat she had brought with her. I quickly took it. I was confused.
-Where should we go?
“Anywhere,” she said, “as far as possible, but not too far.” Where it's safer. I give you permission to come back late.
With these words, Isabella went straight to Vincent's room. I followed her, but first took off my apron. I changed into the dress I wore when I first arrived here, since it was the only thing I could think of for going out. Then I put on my coat and left the room.
Vincent came out of the next room, also dressed, but a little disheveled due to the hasty change of clothes, followed by Isabella, who looked nervous.
I was about to ask what the hell was going on when suddenly he tapped the cane he was holding and said:
- Let's take a walk.
I nodded, surprised at how nonchalantly he spoke.
I took his hand, and we headed into the same forest where we were last time. It wasn't exactly a walk, and there was nowhere to go. Isabella told me to hurry to a safe place, and the only safe place I knew was the Bellunita estate. But it was too crowded for Vincent.
The forest was silent. Only the chirping of birds broke the tension.
-What the hell is going on?
- I don't know.
I looked back at Vincent - he was too calm, unlike me. Looking around the forest, his face does not change at all. In any case, he won't be able to notice anything. But I realized that he was only pretending to be calm, because his fingertips were trembling.
Vincent seemed to know the reason for this sudden outburst. I narrowed my eyes at him, but lately Vincent had become very good at hiding his true feelings. It was a far cry from the days when he was so sensitive and controlling.
I thought about it, but decided not to ask. I guess he had a reason for not telling me.
– I don’t know where to go. - I said - I was told that I needed to go far.
- Then let's go.
“You went for walks before, but have we had walks since Violet left?” Besides, where exactly should we go? To get out of here, you first need to get to the mansion.
- I know how to get out.
- How?
He took me by the hand and began to walk forward, leading me along. I followed him. He headed down the path into the bushes, not knowing what awaited him ahead.
The further we went, the thicker the grass became, it became more and more difficult to walk, and unkempt branches stuck out dangerously, almost scratching us. Halfway there, I took the initiative and helped him make his way through the bush. He made his way between the trees, carefully feeling each one, as if he was looking for something in them.
Gradually, after a long walk, the bush lifted, opening up the space. It was a round clearing with trees around. There was an iron gate, hidden from view by bushes that grew over it and covered it, so that it was almost invisible unless you looked directly at it. There was a path behind the gate.
I looked around in admiration.
- Wow! I didn't even know there was a gate here.
“If we get out here, we can walk to the city.”
It's like we're on an adventure, it's so exciting! I peered into the narrow space, looked at the path beyond the gate, and then pushed it open with a creak. I thought they were locked because there was a chain hanging from the handle, but apparently that wasn't the case.
-What is this for?
“They say it’s for emergencies.”
- They are rusty.
“They haven’t been used for a long time.”
I was intrigued, so I looked around the path beyond the iron gates. There was a path, but it was difficult to see through the thickets of grass. It was more like squeezing through bushes than walking along a path.
– It’s like a secret door, through which you find yourself in a new world. Strange animals and fairies live there, you can make friends and have adventures.
“I was thinking that you read too many books.”
He shook his head. I shrugged. At least in my imagination I can be free.