At first she simply couldn't believe that he had changed.
She couldn't come to terms with the fact that a love so passionate, so strong that she had no choice but to acknowledge it, suddenly went out like a candle.
The shock that crushed her chest was as strong, if not stronger, than the one she felt when she realized Ilex's love too late.
Did I realize this too late?
Even he must have found it difficult to continue to love a woman who only pushed him away.
I should have stopped denying it. I should have just pretended I didn't know and accepted it. I should have told him, at least once, that I don't hate him as much as he thinks.
No, I shouldn't have sent that letter at all. There are men in the world who lose interest as soon as they think they've got something. Maybe he was the type who only liked women who didn't reciprocate.
Then let's go back and say that this letter was not from me. Let's lie and say I still hate him...
At the moment when she caught herself muttering this, looking at the train ticket, Tilya sank to the floor and cried for a long time. And as soon as she came to her senses, she hastily began to pack her things.
She needed to move.
She simply could no longer live in the house he had chosen, the beautiful house with the garden he had chosen for her.
This place was infused with Ilex Davenport.
Even the long shadows under the unusually numerous street lamps resembled him, and her heart leaped before her thoughts could catch up.
Just looking out the window, she thought she saw his silhouette passing by. And the snacks they shared, lined up in a row at the local grocery store, caused unbearable melancholy.
And so she had no choice but to move, even if it meant draining her budget. It was such a pathetic decision that her former self would have ridiculed her for being spoiled, but she couldn't help it.
If she had stayed there, she would have eventually returned to Acansis, unable to resist the strong urge to beg for his love.
She couldn't stand the sight of her completely falling apart.
The place she managed to rent with the money she saved was so miserable that it could not even be compared with the house he had chosen for her. In fact, compared to that mansion, this new place was barely larger than a room.
However, as Tilia lay on that narrow bed, she couldn't deny that she felt a strange sense of comfort.
She felt like she was finally back in a place that was right for her. It was as if she had been wandering for an eternity and had finally returned home. The familiar chill of loneliness and solitude penetrated deep into her bones.
Yes, this is my place. This damp, cold sheet is what works for me.
But even thinking about it, she continued to mutter in a dull voice, unable to get rid of her melancholy.
No... Ilex Davenport loved me. I'm sure of it. He loved me passionately, more devotedly than anyone else. How could it disappear like that, in an instant...
Biting her nails until they bled, Tilia found herself trapped in the past, repeating this sentence over and over until suddenly, as if awakening from a dream, her eyes saw the picture that opened before her.
Late spring flowers bloomed in all their glory, as if they were unaware of the cold. Their radiant beauty sparkled as if it were a luxury bestowed by God with the promise of eternity.
But we didn’t even have to wait for winter.
One season - just a few days and nights - and the flowers in front of her will disappear as if they had never existed.
It was as if they had never bloomed so brightly.
It's as if they were never the main decoration of spring.
So pointless.
Perhaps his love was the same.
She had no intention of denying the pearl sparkling with affection he had given her, or diminishing the abundance of his heart he had poured into her.
She was simply acknowledging that such things could disappear.
Yes, nothing in this world lasts forever. The only constant truth is that nothing stays the same.
Accepting this truth - a truth she had resisted for so long - Tilia looked at the flowers that would bloom and fade within one season.
Now she could finally admit it.
In those desperate, hard days at the academy, even pretending not to be in love, she longed for love.
She endlessly searched for someone who would understand and comfort her poor, hungry heart.
Maybe that's why she quietly left the door open for him.
Because she was lonely.
Because she wanted someone to trust.
Because she desperately wanted to love.
She couldn't say for sure, but she had a feeling that in some ways he felt the same way.
He, too, wandered for a long, long time in search of someone to love.
And thanks to a series of coincidences, they became that very destiny for each other.
It was only by letting go of her desire to cling to him that she could finally see it all.
For her, it was a precious feeling that could never fade, a love that had no equal and could not be compared with anything else. But in fact, if you look from the outside, it was just another story among many.
Like beautiful flowers blooming before her eyes now. So radiant that it seemed that nothing could be more dazzling, but like those flowers that fade and bloom again every year.
But if left undisturbed, this feeling could flourish for a long time. For what reason did it suddenly fade so dramatically?
Perhaps after he put her on the train, the Duke scolded him harshly. He may even have been on the verge of being rejected by his family.
No, these were just the failures she hoped for. Perhaps Ilex simply found peace after sending her away, after she was out of sight.
Because the human heart is so fickle. A flame hot enough to burn can also disappear in an instant.
Human nature does not change easily. Tilia Ambrose was someone who valued a point of view that was not affected by emotions, and she remained the same even in the face of the emotions that made her cry for so long.
Perhaps Ilex realized the end of their love faster and left in search of a new one.
Once he shed the emotions that clouded his vision, reality must have revealed itself to him in a different light. He too must have wanted to choose a partner who suited him.
Someone like Cecelia Clayton, for example.
"No wonder. I never liked her."
Tilia laughed bitterly, remembering Cecilia Clayton's annoying face, which for some unknown reason was stuck in her memory.
If she had followed her heart, she would have made a voodoo doll and pierced its heart, but buying ice cream with that money seemed like a better deal, so she held back.
No, to be honest, she held back because she didn't want to sink that low.
...To be honest, it was because she stupidly wanted him to be at least a little happy.
Because Ilex Davenport was the one who saw her emptiness and filled it completely. To those who shed gentle sunlight and warm rain on her long-withered heart, making it bloom.
Therefore, she sincerely wanted him to be happy.
Did this guy know that she still liked him so much?
Of course, achieving such generosity was not easy. It took a long time and she suffered greatly. But three years helped her.
The fact that she was in Ontario and not Acansis, and that she had gone through a difficult adjustment period, was helpful.
In truth, Tilia had gone through quite a harsh initiation at work. All because she did not know her place, having the audacity to use the royal manner of speech.
When she first understood the reason for the contempt from others, it seemed almost funny to her.
But just like the way she first learned to hold a pen, the style of speech instilled in her by her teacher was not something she could easily break away from.
But there is nothing that time cannot overcome. Through painstaking efforts, Tilia eventually got rid of the royal manner of speech. And finally, she accepted the breakup with him.
Last night, although she tossed and turned in bed because he suddenly appeared in her dreams, she had still progressed so much that even when his name suddenly popped up, she was able to maintain an impassive expression.
Even if she sometimes found herself thinking about things in a pathetic manner - wasn't that normal?
Tilia looked at the bright flowers radiating seductive beauty under the bright sunlight and thought.
Although, unlike these flowers, her first love met eternal winter. Although she may never again see the scene of the bubbling life force, with all the hidden seeds within her sprouting at the same time.
But couldn't she return to the spring that once came to her? Remembering the warmth of sunlight and the scent of wet flowers - isn't this the quiet freedom of someone who lives in winter?
A languid breeze blowing from the vast gardens rustled through Tilia's hair and lifted the hem of her skirt before disappearing.
Tilia looked away from the lush garden, which knew no worries, and straightened her head.
It was at that very moment.
The man she had seen in her dream last night appeared before her eyes.
-...Ilex Davenport.
With a face that seemed to have fallen back into deep sleep, Tilia looked at him - standing in a space that was neither in shadow nor in sun.