Ilex stood still for a long time, even after Tilia left.
He felt that this was how purity ended. Perhaps, if enough time had passed, the opportunity would have arisen, but in the end he ruined everything himself.
The funny thing is that, despite all this, he did not regret anything.
Now Ilex knew himself. Even if he could turn back time, he would not be able to resist Tilia's temptation. No, no, knowledge of the future would have made him kneel before her even faster.
A wild animal that has tasted meat can never become livestock again.
Perhaps Tilia had seen right through his nature all this time. Perhaps he really was the lustful scum she thought he was.
How else to explain the fact that even now, when everything had collapsed, he was still replaying in his head the moment when he plunged into her?
Laughing hoarsely at his own promiscuity, he ran a hand through his hair and muttered with a strangely renewed expression.
-…It's clear.
Acceptance made things easier. Accepting that he would never become a saint brought a strange sense of peace.
- So this is how you want to play.
Having thrown off the burden of pretentious politeness and worthless morality, he revealed his true nature.
Ilex, looking at himself doubtfully, grinned, remembering how Tilia relaxed only after she was sure that the medicine he gave her was a contraceptive.
His approach will change. He will no longer follow her anxiously, worrying from afar. If he is going to be despised anyway, he will make sure to receive that hatred from as close a distance as possible.
So. She needed a scoundrel, didn't she?
Ilex's eyes sparkled coldly, and his smile betrayed his unbridled desire.
***
From that day on, Ilex openly followed Tilia Ambrose.
He no longer bothered to hide his presence. Even when she or her friends noticed him, he remained brazenly shameless. When she finally lost her patience and snapped at him, he pretended it was a coincidence and continued to circle around her.
Tilia seemed to be fed up with him, but Ilex, on the contrary, was getting great pleasure from it.
Even if he just saw her frowning, the very fact of seeing her was pleasant to him.
It was interesting. After he accepted that their relationship was completely broken and made his presence known without hesitation, the distance between them seemed to shrink.
All the time he spent carefully trying to get closer to her, the gap between them remained insurmountable.
Oddly enough, the more brazenly he acted, the closer she seemed.
Was this simply wishful thinking, the hopeful delusion of a desperate man? Or was it an instinctive feeling, a hunter's intuition, that he must seize the opportunity before it slipped away?
One thing was clear - it was much more pleasant than hiding in the shadows.
He should have done this from the beginning. The time he spent agonizing and hesitating in the background now seemed completely stupid.
If he had known how pleasant it would be to walk next to her, if he had known how happy he would be even when faced with her contemptuous gaze, he would have made his presence known from the very beginning.
Artificial coincidences and far-fetched twists of fate continued to accumulate, increasing the points of contact between them.
And when, finally, the desperate Tilia impulsively accepted his offer to teach her the Ontario language, Ilex's heart began to beat so hard that he could not sleep all night.
Sleep was impossible. Every time he closed his eyes, he imagined endless nights walking next to her, disappearing into the darkness, like in a dream.
He knew he wouldn't be able to sleep until morning, so he got up and looked for study materials. The petty pride of always looking competent in front of her made him obsessively prepare.
Did Tilia know? Did she know that those nights spent talking with her and walking around the dimly lit grounds of the academy were the happiest moments of his life?
Did she know that if he could only take one memory with him after death, he would choose these nights without hesitation?
He still remembered the moment when she first accepted a treat from him.
It was an ordinary day - he casually handed her a piece of chocolate, as always, not expecting her to take it.
He assumed she would refuse, as usual. But this time, without hesitation, Tilia took it, indifferently unwrapped it and put it in her mouth.
The sight of the round piece of chocolate pressed between her pale fingers, disappearing behind her red lips, played in slow motion in his mind, stretching out into eternity.
At that moment, it was not the chocolate that melted in her mouth, but his heart.
It wasn't the sweetness she crushed between her white teeth and melted on her red tongue - it was his feelings.
When she swallowed the chocolate, he felt as if she had swallowed him completely.
It was as if his broken, melted heart had become a part of her, merging with blood and flesh.
Thus, after she first ate something he brought her, Ilex had no choice but to turn his dorm room into a store.
He filled his drawers with all kinds of chocolates, sweets and cookies that she might like, agonizing over the choice every day. Since the weather is cold today, maybe this would be better? No, she rejected it yesterday, so maybe this option will be better...
After much thought, he carefully placed the snack in his jacket pocket. Just in case, he put another one in his trouser pocket.
Tilia would probably never know, even in death, how much time he spent each day standing in front of the snack boxes, agonizing over what to take with him.
She would also never know that when she rejected the treat he had so carefully chosen, he pretended not to care, but returned to his room and spent hours analyzing his mistake so as not to repeat it.
However, not every day spent walking with her was filled with happiness.
One day, feeling responsible for Tilia passing the exam and not wanting to disappoint her, he pressed too hard, causing her nose to bleed.
Cap. The sight of bright red blood running down her pale face was something he would never be able to forget.
Only then did he realize that he shouldn't have ignored her fragile wrists, that he shouldn't have found her sullenness over her heavy workload charming.
- Reduce the number of lessons from now on.
It wasn't easy for him to say this. After all, he was the one who desperately wanted to see her, just one more day, just one more hour.
- What?
But Tilia, completely unaware of his feelings, opened her eyes wide and stared at him with a pale face.
- I'm fine. The air is just dry. It's OK.
As if. One more “everything is fine” and she would probably collapse completely.
- I said I could handle it. It’s not your nose that started bleeding, so why are you making such a fuss?
Ignoring Tilia's stubbornness and forcing her to cut her classes was not easy.
When she refused to meet his eyes in protest and rejected the snacks he offered, he wanted to drop everything, grab her thin wrists and beg her to take care of herself.
The only thing that kept him from doing this was his determination to never let her bleed again.
And yet, even those days when he walked next to her while she kicked stones in frustration became precious memories.
As he walked next to her, watching her carefully follow the movements of his lips, trying to imitate him, an inevitable thought always popped into his head.
If only we could go to Ontario together. If only, instead of secretly imagining her home, I could be invited inside.
If Tilia knew what he was thinking, she would probably push him straight into the lake. And yet, like an addict, Ilex could not resist indulging in fantasies.
If only. If only I could sit next to her, supported by soft pillows. If I could just keep picking out her snacks while making sure nothing bad ever got to her again...
By the time these thoughts, growing rapidly, completely consumed his heart, he finally made his move.
He went to the Essentine mansion and retrieved his grandmother's memento, which was carefully hidden. And he began to wear it openly.
First he made a necklace out of it and wore it around his neck. But when Tilia did not notice this, he resorted to the absurd action of putting an ill-fitting ring on his little finger.
Finally, the ever diligent Tilia turned her attention to the ring. Not often, but every now and then her gaze would glance at him before quickly turning away.
Each time, Ilex desperately wished she would ask about him. He longed for her to demand to know what this absurd thing was. He rewrote and rehearsed his explanation every night, perfecting his words in anticipation.
But, as always, Tilia gave him only a brief glance, without fulfilling his desire.
Out of disappointment, even the ring that he had once wanted to give her as a gift began to seem like an eyesore to him.
While he sighed secretly next to her, Tilia, always a brilliant student, continued to improve at an astonishing rate. As expected of the witty Tilia Ambrose, she soaked up knowledge like a sponge.
Time slipped away too quickly, like sand through his fingers, and before he knew it, his final exams were just around the corner. More and more often he found himself fiddling with the ring, muttering to himself.
Would he really have to let Tilia go like this? Would he really have to send her away with only the briefest of happiness?
He was a wild beast that could not be tamed. A defrocked priest who has already experienced the joy of being next to his loved one.
But his confession - his selfish desire - had to wait until after the exams. Only when she was free to react as she pleased would he finally reveal what was seething inside him.
And so he suppressed the recognition that rose in his throat, waiting for the end of the exams.
But just then - at that very moment for which he had been waiting for so long, something happened.