I should have refused.
With his elbows on his knees and his hands clasped together, Ilex muttered these words for what seemed to him the hundredth time.
The interior of Ilex's personal crew, designed to suit his characteristics, was spacious and comfortable. Even considering his height, he had enough room to stretch his legs. However, despite the huge space, Ilex sat curled up and constantly muttered the same words.
He had to refuse somehow. He should have just told her to leave.
Ilex continued to look down with almost furious determination.
He knew. He knew he shouldn't have shared the carriage with Tilia, not after inhaling that disgusting fumes.
Even after taking one antidote after another, his increasingly clouded mind had to keep him from being in a confined space with Tilia.
But even if he could go back to that moment, he was sure that he would end up sitting in that carriage with her, as if he was under a spell.
He didn't have the strength to refuse her. He didn't have the willpower to suppress his own desires.
The burning heat inside him was corroding his mind, making it impossible to think about the future.
Just this once, just this once.
No matter how hard he tried to suppress this desire, his gaze continued to be directed towards Tilia.
“You're crazy. Pull yourself together."
Finally, managing to look down, Ilex clenched his hands so tightly that his fingers cracked. He shouldn't have looked at her. Desire was like sea water - the more you drink, the stronger your thirst.
Ilex clenched his teeth, desperately trying to distract himself.
“It must have been a strong drug.”
Thinking of Gregory Myers, Ilex's gaze became cold.
If this substance had such an effect on a person with a physical physique similar to that of a holy knight, then it could have a serious effect on Tilia.
"He wasn't just trying to provoke a reaction - he intended to kill her."
When his thoughts reached Gregory's intentions, Ilex clenched his teeth again.
He should have made him suffer more. No matter how he thought about it, Gregory died too peacefully. His ending was too easy.
Of course, even this seemed to traumatize Tilia.
-……
Remembering Tilia's frightened expression, Ilex's gaze darkened again. But the instincts caused by the holy water blocked any deep thoughts.
The scene quickly replayed in his mind as Tilia, despite her fear, opened the door for him.
Her green eyes filled with worry as she looked at him. Her hesitant behavior, her white hands fiddling with a clean handkerchief...
Ilex clenched his hands again so tightly that they crunched and closed his eyes.
Who even created this substance?
What pathetic priest created holy water that evokes such crude and desperate desires?
The devilish instinct, like a horned demon, circled in his head, whispering seductive thoughts.
“Don’t you want to grab Tilia by the hair and kiss her right now? Don’t you want to take her small, soft tongue and suck it furiously?”
Ilex clenched his jaw so hard that it seemed his teeth were about to crumble.
No.
“Stop pretending. You want to rip her dress off, unbutton those neat buttons and put your hand under that long skirt, don’t you?!”
The devil laughed evilly, penetrating his mind.
“You know what a heavenly feeling this is! She’s so hot and soft inside!”
Past experiences flashed brightly in his mind.
He regretted ever experiencing it.
But precisely because he knew, Ilex could not stop his instincts from consuming his mind.
Yes.
Staring hopelessly at the ceiling, Ilex muttered:
I want to be there again.
In this mysterious soft, hot place. A place that was so intense that he was afraid he might hurt her...
-...Ilex?
Tilia's voice brought his drowning mind back to reality.
- Are you... okay?
His half-loose grip tightened unconsciously. Ilex forcefully exorcised the devil that had invaded his mind and said in an even voice.
- Yes, I'm fine.
-...You don't look well.
- I can handle it.
But the dark instinct clung to him like a leech, no matter how hard he tried to shake it off.
Ilex stubbornly looked at the floor, his throat tightening with resistance.
His gaze fell on Tilia's small shoes. At this point, his rationality became clouded again.
Would she be upset if he took those shoes off?
With reddened eyes, Ilex imagined little feet inside those shoes.
If he pulled out those white feet, put them in his mouth and bit them gently...
- Ilex.
Lost in his dirty imagination, Ilex unconsciously looked up. When their eyes met, Tilia shuddered and pulled away slightly.
For the first time since he got into the carriage, she turned to face him, and there was confusion in her voice.
-Are you really okay?
-……
Ironically, Tilia's wary reaction revived the mind he thought he had lost forever.
...Right. Of course she was disgusted. Even he found himself disgusted as he felt lust extending all the way down to his feet.
Gathering the remnants of his crumbling patience, Ilex quietly issued a warning.
“If I’m not okay, what are you going to do, sleep with me?”
He needed to make her hate him even more. Whether it was strategy or something else, now he had to make sure she completely pushed him away.
- You can't do this.
His lips moved automatically, choosing the words she hated the most. He didn't even have to lie. All you had to do was tell the truth.
His clouded eyes superimposed the past Tilia and the present.
“You couldn’t handle me even when I wasn’t under the influence.” How can you cope now?
Tilia's eyes widened for a moment and then narrowed.
She was clearly remembering that day. A day he would remember until the day he died, but for her it would probably be remembered as the worst experience.
That's enough.
Looking away from Tilia, whose sympathy must have evaporated, Ilex sighed softly.
Now his gaze was fixed on the corner of the carriage. Where he could not see Tilia's shoes or her feet in them - only an empty corner.
-……
However, even after a long time there was no news of their arrival.
When will we finally arrive?
The passage of time felt painfully slow, as if the carriage had stopped, or perhaps his perception of time had become distorted. Every second seemed like a huge canyon stretching between them.
And with each passing moment, Ilex felt his senses becoming more and more intense. It seemed as if antennas were growing all over his body, and they were all aimed exclusively at Tilia.
Even without looking, he felt her gaze.
He felt her green eyes study his face, then slide down his shoulders and clasped hands. Her gaze lingered on his waist before hesitantly moving lower.
Startled, Tilia looked away, noticing the state of his lower body. She pulled her legs back as if to distance herself, her small shoes pressed together and her hands clenched tightly.
In her stupidity, she did not realize that he had already noticed everything.
The fact that she realized his condition shattered the remnants of his fragile rationality. His heightened senses were out of control, tracking every movement of Tilia's body.
She crossed her legs awkwardly. She moved awkwardly. She touched her neck as if feeling the heat before quickly lowering her hand, seemingly aware of his presence.
In the corner of the carriage, Ilex's eyes twitched, a blood vessel burst. To suppress the urge to reach out, Ilex bit the inside of his mouth until his gums were ragged.
Even if his tongue was torn in half, he would have to endure it. He already screwed up the first time. He couldn't let this happen again.
This girl, sensitive and timid as a wild rabbit, required patience. He needed to earn her trust.
“So I can’t, I can’t allow myself to get drunk on this damn holy water...”
- Ilex.
But just at the moment when he was desperately trying to curb the beast inside him, clinging to the last vestiges of control...
- I...
She, constantly fidgeting, spoke in a trembling voice:
“I think... I might have inhaled a little of that smoke too.”
And then he heard his mind crack.
His head jerked up. Tilia flinched when their gazes met, her eyes trembling slightly.
Ironically, at that moment, the first thought that came to Ilex's mind was about Gregory Myers.
This bastard. Is he dead?
There was no one to shelter him from the smoke, so he was most likely long dead?
...Can I revive him so that I can kill him again?
Trembling like a rabbit caught in a hunter's trap, Tilia met his gaze as he extended his long arm.
Knock. The wall of the carriage shook and a deep voice was heard.
- Not at the Ambrose estate. Take us to the annex.