Oh my back...
After washing, Tilia, barely able to stand on shaking legs, collapsed on the bed. Her body, which had previously been very tense, was now screaming in pain.
There was not a single part of the body that did not hurt. From the inner thighs, which she had never been aware of before, to the visible parts of her body, everything was in an abnormal state.
Why does my stomach hurt?
While she massaged the hardened abdominal muscles, Tilia stopped thinking and buried her face in the pillow.
No matter how much she thought about it, she felt like she made the right choice in sending Judy away. For a brief moment, she felt the urge to tell her everything, whose eyes were full of worry...
“I was quite impressed. If Judy found out, she would be horrified."
A noble lady who lived her entire life in solitude could not have endured what Tilia had to endure. Judy would cry with anger, fixing her tear-filled eyes on Tilia and saying, “Why didn’t you come to me? Why didn’t you just ask me to get you the antidote!”
Imagining Judy crying while scolding her, Tilia couldn't help but laugh. But despite the raised corners of her mouth, her empty eyes were far from laughing.
She knew very well that she was strong, but she never thought that she was this strong. Tilia turned over, feeling that she was sinking lower and lower.
"Everything is fine. I’m not one of those who attach any special significance to the first time.”
No matter how hard she tried to brush it off, the crushing feeling gnawing at the edge of her chest wouldn't go away. Covering her eyes with her hand, Tilia slowly exhaled.
When silence fell, she habitually heard her mother's voice echoing in her ears.
“Read as much as you want, Tilia. Why shouldn't a woman study? Learn what you want and live the way you want. Let your brilliant talent blossom to its fullest."
Her mother's voice was so kind. But then, just as quickly, he became cold and cynical, followed by her mocking laughter.
"No! What kind of study? What books? Throw it all away and just buy yourself some dresses! The best thing for a woman is to get a rich man!”
Her mother's damned laughter echoed in her head. Although Tilia had long forgotten her mother's face - always smelling of alcohol - her voice still sounded, tormenting her.
Her mother's advice was always contradictory. Between becoming a smart woman or catching a rich man, Tilia chose the former. She completely rejected the second.
Because as pathetic as it was, she looked like her mother. She never wanted to follow the same path her mother chose.
So how did it all turn out this way? She was so careful, always on guard.
Tilia lowered her hand and sighed from deep in her chest. Only now, when she had caught her breath, did she begin to fully understand the situation.
Of all people, it had to be Ilex Davenport.
The fact that she slept with Ilex Davenport weighed heavily on her. What if someone saw her enter his room? What if Ilex spread stories about their time together for fun?
One worry led to another, each more worrisome than the last. What if... what if she was pregnant?
A cold, oppressive feeling settled in her chest.
With trembling hands, Tilia touched her hard belly and shook her head. Impossible. She took the medicine given to her by Ilex Davenport.
She heard rumors almost every day about people coming in and out of his room, but in the four years she had been at the academy, she had never heard of anyone getting pregnant. The contraceptive he gave her must have been very effective.
“Yes, everything will be fine.”
Tilia closed her eyes, trying to calm her racing heart. Now that she realized the real danger of pregnancy, everything else seemed insignificant.
Even if there are rumors, even if people whisper about her, it doesn't matter. She will graduate soon anyway. Once that happens, she will leave the capital and start a new life, so none of this will matter.
Tilia pulled the blanket over her head and repeated to herself: “It doesn’t matter. This is not my real life." Soon this fake life will end and the life she planned will begin.
What Tilia needed now was not a plan, but a rest. She whispered encouragements to herself with each inhalation and exhalation until she slowly drifted off to sleep.
But even in her sleep, trying to escape from him, Ilex Davenport tormented her. The events of today, buried in her subconscious, played out like a nightmare.
In her dreams, Tilia was crushed like a trampled flower, forced to accept him. Even in her drugged state, she thought to herself: “This is wrong. This is too much." It was suffocating. It was as if he was forcefully thrusting himself into places he shouldn't have, causing her body to tremble uncontrollably.
“Why are you crying so much?”
Ilex asked softly, as if he was genuinely worried, even though she was crying silently.
“Too deep? Or maybe..."
There was something chilling in his seemingly kind voice.
“Are you just the type to cry easily?”
With these words, the feeling of his invasion intensified. Unable to utter a word, Tilia struggled and squirmed, making inarticulate sounds as he kept her body trapped, preventing her from escaping.
She must have said something through her sobs - something that sounded like a plea. She couldn't remember what, but she knew it was something close to a plea. She remembered that as soon as she muttered, the harsh pressure of his body eased a little, and she was able to breathe a little easier.
"Don't cry."
Ilex, as if he had never behaved coldly, pressed his wet cheek to her tear-stained cheek.
"When you cry, I don't know what to do."
Bastard. He said this, but didn't stop. What was she thinking when she scratched his back with her nails?
Oh yes. She thought she finally understood why so many girls liked him.
Even though he was so cold, even though he asked her if she even knew who he was, the moment their bodies were intertwined, he treated her like a lover.
When he kissed the back of her hand, his actions were both respectful and gentle. When he intertwined their fingers and met her eyes, his touch was gentle. His look, as if he had finally achieved something he had longed for so long, was full of shy joy.
Tilia felt like a fish, trapped in his gaze, floundering helplessly in a sea of sheets.
“You didn’t know, did you?”
Then came the incomprehensible words of Ilex Davenport.
“You didn’t know you’d end up doing something like that to me, did you?”
His cruel words made her face freeze, but even then he did not let go of her intertwined hand.
"I knew it from the beginning."
His voice, deep and calm, whispered into her wet ear:
"You and I...we were always meant to come to this."
Oh.
Evening came, bringing with it darkness. Tilia, awakened by rapid breathing, quickly looked around, her face covered in cold sweat.
Luckily, Ilex Davenport was nowhere to be seen. She woke up in her room. Not in Ilex Davenport's impossibly elegant dorm, but in the modest double room she shared with Judy.
“What kind of vivid dream is this?”
Tilia winced, rubbing her ears roughly. The feeling of him nibbling on her earlobe still lingered, making her feel disgusted.
This bastard. Even in my dreams he is relentless. She sighed, a mixture of relief and irritation escaping her lips as she buried her face in her hands.
But even with her eyes closed, his voice echoed in her mind like an unbreakable ringing in her ears: “I knew from the beginning. You and I... we were always meant to come to this."
“What does that even mean?”
Tilia massaged her throbbing temples with her hands, and then her eyes suddenly widened in realization. She remembered what she had overheard in the past - among those vulgar boys who made crude bets on who would "get her" first.
“No way...Ilex Davenport was in on this bet too?”
This idea seemed plausible to Tilia and she nodded in agreement with her thoughts. Although she didn't remember him being in that group of guys, she wouldn't be surprised. After all, he was just another one of the men with questionable character.
“Not that I was ever sure there was such a thing as a decent man.”
Tilia grinned cynically, remembering something else Ilex had told her earlier that day.
“I’ve been wanting to sleep with you for a long time.”
"That's what he meant."
Tilia concluded casually and sat up on the bed, her body still aching. His words, which seemed cryptic at the time, were now easy to understand. It was nothing more than a typical, arrogant statement from a man intoxicated with victory. There was no need to dwell on them or ponder their deeper meaning.
“But...will rumors start to spread?”
When Tilia thought about how much men loved to brag about their victories, she took a deep breath. At that moment, she heard some noise outside, followed by a loud knock as the door swung open.
- Tilia!
Her roommate Judy ran into the room carrying a large box.